Wink’s Service

Alan Travis Wilson

There’s a special table near the entrance of the pavilion, but off to the side, so as not to create congestion. The table has the family’s favorite pictures of Wink, Wink’s beanie babies, his guitar, his Jim Carry movies, a TinkerBell memento, and a place for guests to leave a note card for Wink’s family.

Guests visit the table, look at pictures, and find their way to their seats as songs like “Come As You Are” and “In Bloom” by Nirvana, as well as “Wonderwall” by Oasis, and “The Scientist” by Coldplay play.

I am wearing blue.

Welcoming words

Welcome family, friends, and community. My name is Lisasia, I’m a Life Cycle Celebrant. It’s my honor to be here today in honor of Wink. On behalf of Wink’s husband and family, I’d like to thank you for being here. I'm sure it brings them warmth seeing each person whose life was impacted by the magnanimity of Wink’s spirit here now. Thank you for gathering today and giving yourself the gift of presence when presence can seem most challenging, for coming here today to offer perhaps the greatest gift any of us can ever give-time coupled with intention, two things essential in honoring the life of someone we loved. And Wink was so loved, wasn’t he? Today, together, we get the privilege of welcoming in all the magic of Wink’s life into our hearts, a promise to honor and love through the gift it was to know him. While at the same time we’re also tasked with the unbearable burden of saying goodbye. We’re not doing it alone though, together we do the work of holding this loss, while also holding endless gratitude for the opportunity to know him, feel seen by him, eat his delicious food, or laugh with him. To be here, in this space, where life asks us with these opposites, to not only meet death, but to sit with it for a while, acknowledging its place as a passage. Just the same as being born is a passage we all witness and embark on, so too must we usher our loved ones through this transition before we experience it too. And yet, the too-early passing of a loved one can feel like walking into your home to find that someone has left each and every window open- cold air pouring in as you can think of nothing else but being warm again. We are stretched wide open as waves of memories and gratitude, yearning and sadness move us up and down, and back and forth. In many ways, grief likens the madness of falling in love. It moves fast and powerfully, it will reveal to you the depths of your ability to feel, to be swept away with no say in the matter. You cannot make a map of love, nor sorrow. May our gathering here today mark a promise to commit to togetherness, offering tenderness to the grieving heart of those who need it. May the shoulder we offer one another create the space we need to surrender to the chaos of it all- the winding path that is grieving. Death touches everyone, and everything- the birds and the flowers- mothers, siblings, friends- the stars in the sky even know birth and death. And we are certainly part of that symphony. If there’s one thing we know, it's that life springs forward with a determined force, it grows and expands and becomes something as unique as our favorite flower, our pets, or our most beloved kin. Each life touches the world around them, equally as changed by life as they impact life itself- in all of its beauty, color, and diversity. And then life continues on that trajectory, with all of its momentum, force, unpredictability, and excitement. Until one unbeknownst day, it joins the likes of a star who has met its end but still shares its light anywhere its light can reach, well beyond its death. Today we gather to acknowledge this truth, that Wink has certainly lived a beautiful life, and that his time with us has come to pass, so that we might begin to integrate the ways we are now changed and feeling his light, saying our goodbyes as we celebrate him with thanks, and perhaps even some of Wink’s favorite magic, laughter.

Our Lives Matter

By M. Maureen Killoran

We come together from the diversity of our grieving,

to gather in the warmth of this community

giving stubborn witness to our belief that

in times of sadness, there is room for laughter.

In times of darkness, there always will be light.

May we hold fast to the conviction

that what we do with our lives matters

and that a caring world is possible after all.

Here we are, people with diverse lives outside of this moment— jobs, a to do lists, any number of things that could be pulling at our hearts as we’ve come to celebrate Wink’s life. Just as we all meet death’s bridge, we also breathe. so let us take a breath together, deep in our bellies, looking to our left and our right at the folks sitting next to us, feeling our bodies as they rest in our chairs, hearing the sounds of this special place we’ve come to co create with one another as we welcome the memory of Wink, our friend, brother, husband, son, and troop leader. The guy with the glitter and good food, jazz hands, and most dazzling smile.

Wink’s Story

Wink, born Alan Travis Wilson, arrived earthside with his twin Alyssa not too far behind him. His parents Diane and Mark described him as a “cherub” baby with a smile full of cheeks and not too much fuss. Before he could walk he had the reputation of bringing warmth to peoples’ lives. Wink was the eldest, a big brother to each of his siblings— especially his twin Alyssa (known as Tink), as he loved to remind her, he was born two minutes before her, and saw that as a cue to take his big brother role seriously. Later, when his younger brother and sister Willy and Brandi joined the family. Wink was so full of excitement he could not be contained. That is, until Tink’s illness began to set in, a moment that deeply impacted Wink and his family. Even during those most painful of moments in hospital rooms Wink could get a laugh out of you. Anywhere he was he could cut straight through the room with his wit, it was how he showed his love. He was known for that famous point and Wink gesture, of course that’s where he got his name. It was always somehow perfectly timed. He was a comedy genius. Best of friends, Wink and his little brother Willy spent a lot of time as kids watching In Living Color. And so, a brainchild of two brothers, The Wink and Willy Show was born. They devised sketches so hilarious during the time Tink spent in the hospital that her nurses would gather near her room in anticipation of Wink and Willy’s show alongside the family, something that brought much-needed medicine as they navigated a heart wrenching transition. And that is who Wink was, a light in the dark, glittering blue. And that’s why Wink’s family is wearing blue today, in honor of his favorite color, the color that made his eyes sparkle.

When Tink did pass, losing his twin affected Wink deeply, and left him swinging in and out of depression. Perhaps that part of his experience is what would eventually lead to his love of grunge, rock and roll, and a guitar that would drive his mother crazy- but not before his cheerleader phase, and all the time he spent collecting the beanie babies that reminded him of Tink. And not before he formed a special bond with the final member of The United Nations, Lili, who Wink always had space to give some special time and attention. On brand with Wink’s unique charm, and despite his loss, Wink was popular and well liked in high school. He won over all his teachers even after all the comedic interruptions. Eventually though, he did find himself in a world of angst during his teen years. He saved his money, bought a guitar, and expressed his big feelings through music. Even though his guitar drove his parents crazy, he got really really good at it. Eventually he joined a band whose members would become some of his best friends. Even when Wink hit some of his lowest lows, he never lost his sense of humor, his love of rock and roll, or his warmth.

At this time, it's my pleasure to introduce to you Gregg Wilder, Robin Baxter, and… of the Red Hots as they play their song “song bandmates chose”, in remembrance of the era when Wink was moving through the world figuring himself out as a young person.

**Wink’s band mates play an original or Heart Shaped Box by Nirvana**

(Bandmates make their way back to their seats)

Lisasia continues…

Thank you for opening up that time capsule for us, Gregg, Robin, and…

After graduating college, perhaps searching for some direction, perhaps following in his brother Willy’s footsteps, or perhaps called by his desire to help people, Wink joined the military. He started out working in the kitchen, which is perhaps where he discovered his love of cooking, a bonus for those of us who’ve ever felt nourished by one of Wink’s delicious meals- I know Marcus knows what I’m talking about. After Wink returned from service he struggled to integrate his experience in war perhaps as well as his earlier experiences. That’s when his struggle with addiction began. But as we know, the big bright light of Wink’s spirit always prevailed. He made the choice to go to AA, got himself sober, and came out to his family as gay. He had a new lease on life, so here’s the part of the story where we switch from the angst of hard rock to a romantic comedy soundtrack- the part where humor, Wink’s love of glitter and theatrics, and the meeting of two star crossed lovers, culminates to paint a picture of perhaps the most magical time of Wink’s life, when he met his beloved husband Marcus. After being set up on a blind date at an utterly romantic Italian restaurant, the two formed an immediate kindred bond. They fell in love being in nature, traveling to places like Bali, Thailand, Spain, Paris, and Vancouver, and seeking adventure alongside one another, agreeing that magic belongs in every day, and that their love was what kept magic alive. They promised to always love one another and to always seek life’s sparkle, no matter what. Though Marcus and Wink did not have cherub babies of their own, they did have two furry children named Sam and Max, who accompanied them on all their adventures outdoors. Born into a colorful and unique family, Wink had found his own unique family, and rooted himself in the joy he extended to so many throughout his life.

Wink found purpose too. After recovery, he got a job at his local boys and girls club. He believed that all kids should be taught to love themselves exactly the way they are. Perhaps one of Wink’s greatest legacies was that he was so open to giving and receiving love, knowing just how important that can be, especially in the life of someone othered, perhaps someone adopted, like his siblings, or unique, like his sister Lilly, or part of the LGBTQ community, like he and his husband. So he got in the habit of dishing out a delicious meal full of love almost as often as he dished out laughter. His food was sure to win you over, except that time when he burned down his mother’s favorite rose bush with a flaming chicken, but we won’t add that story to the forever manuscript of Wink’s legacy. Wink played guitar, and chef, but not technology, as he could barely figure out texting, or voicemail. So it's a good thing he made up for it with exponential charm in person. As a gentle soul, and an avid nature enthusiast, he was conscientious of his environmental footprint and made sure to uphold that value in his choices. He wore a t-shirt that said “Acceptance is the answer: no matter what the question”. He was someone who made you feel safe and at home no matter how the world saw you.

And so, we can say conclusively that Wink’s heart was big, he had room inside of it for each and every one of us here today and more. His talent in humor was perhaps an extension of that love, serving medicine to those he considered family- and he had so much family, as he was in the habit of truly seeing people, and celebrating them for their uniqueness. Even after his stroke, he was still able to pull off his “trademark” wink and point routine to get a laugh. And even after he’s approached the threshold to the other side, we can feel the magic he’s left us with as powerfully as ever. How beautiful is that?

*Pause

And now I’d like to invite Wink’s brother, Willy to come and share a few words.

Eulogy from Willy

Thank you for sharing, Willy. Since Wink’s time at the Boys and Girls club was such a big part of his life, I’d like to invite his boss, Brain Cox to come and share some words with us.

Brian Shares

Thank you for those heartfelt words, Brian.

At this time I’d like to invite anyone with a story to share about Wink to stand and share. Perhaps a moment he inspired you, made you laugh, or gave you a memory you’ll hold forever.

(no more than 10 minutes)

What beautiful memories we have to carry with us in remembrance of Wink. Thank you all for sharing.

Ritual

The kids from the boys and girls club pass out a leaf dipped in sugar water and blue biodegradable glitter to each participant as I explain what's happening..

And now some of the kids from the boys and girls club will pass out a leaf to each of you. Note that the blue glitter on each leaf is biodegradable as Wink would have wanted it. Each of these leaves were decorated by the young people who are passing them out to you. Thank you very much to you all for bringing us these special gifts.

Our Wink loved to be in nature. He looked dazzling in blue. He was committed to finding life’s sparkle, whether it be through adventure, true love, self discovery, or digging for the sparkling gems within others. I’d like to invite all of you to take this leaf with you today as a reminder of each way we can continue to spread Wink’s zest for life into the world by also seeking magic and adventure, as he did during the happiest moments of his life.

Please take these leaves with you, put them in a special place in your home, give them as a gift to a stranger after you tell them a story about Wink, or drop them off somewhere in nature, maybe in this very park as you say your goodbyes.

Just like the glitter might stick to your hands and anything you touch, so too will the beauty and knowledge we’ve gleaned from Wink’s life stick to us and spread through the world as we go.

(Selected children from the boys and girls club will have come to the front as I speak about the leaves for the community ritual. They each- as individuals or as pairs, have a sparkler and a special piece of fancy card paper that reads something different for each of them.)

And now we look to hope, to children and sparklers- as we could never have too many things that sparkle in honor of Wink. So some of the children from the boys and girls club have come forward for a special moment of remembrance. They’ll each take a turn reading a brief phrase aloud. Friends and family, please repeat after the children.

(I make sure they’re standing in the right order. Brian Cox, Wink’s boss, will assist them in lighting the sparklers when I cue him by nodding)

Today we say goodbye to Wink in the flesh, knowing that we’ve given him his last hug, that he’s taken his last walk with Sam and Max, and that we’ll no longer hear him shout “Ay Caramba!”-but the meaning Wink’s life had has absolutely penetrated all of ours, that is why there are so many people who loved him here today. Because we’ve had the honor of loving Wink, we now get the honor of carrying pieces of him with us as we move through the world. May these sparklers, held by children whose lives wink impacted, represent hope as we begin to move forward.

As we reflect on the piece of Wink’s spirit made possible by laughter, we promise to honor his life by welcoming humor as bright as he was.

(First kid/pair light sparkler together and read aloud from their card)

“May laughter be my medicine.”

crowd repeats “”

Wink made other people more possible by accepting all of who they were and encouraging them to be their most authentic self, we promise to honor him by being brave and true to our own unique light.

(Second kid/group light sparkler and read aloud from their card)

“May bravery and self-compassion inspired by Wink be my medicine.”

crowd repeats “”

Twice a twin, and forever a friend, Wink was always there to walk beside his loved ones. Bonded by our love for wink and inspired by his legacy, we now promise to walk with each other.

(Third kid/pair lights sparkler and reads from card )

“May my friends and family be my medicine.”

crowd repeats “”

Wink believed in finding magic and keeping it alive at all costs. He spent his free-est days seeking adventure and traveling. May we keep Wink’s legacy of living life fully close to our hearts.

(Last kid/pair light sparkler and reads from their card)

“May always seeking life’s sparkle be my medicine.”

crowd repeats “”

pause for a moment of silence, children return to their seats

(For this ceremony I'll keep notecards, sparklers, and a lighter off to the side near the front. The glitter leaves, can be kept by the kids from the boys and girls club at their seats)

Final words

There is no returning to the way things were before, no turning the clock as if we haven’t experienced loss. There is only integration, honoring what it means to embark on the winding path that is grief and love and love and grief, all tangled up with one another. There are days when we feel capable, and days when we can not clearly understand the way forward. Because we finally come to learn the very depth of our love at the hour of separation. And it is a deep, inextricable love. Sometimes it's the love itself that feels lost, but eventually, that love finds its way back in fuller than before. Each of the ways our loved one has made an imprint on our heart lives with us for the rest of our lives, and so the magic of honoring them comes from moving through the world with our hearts forward, passing out the gems they’ve gifted us to others. That is what pulls us forward, it's what makes continuing on possible. So today we say goodbye to Wink in the flesh knowing we’re never too far from the love he was made up of, the kind of medicine that comforts and heals. and so we say goodbye.

Into the freedom of wind and sunshine

We let you go

Into the glory of the morning sunrise

We let you go

Into the beauty of the evening sunset

We let you go

Into the splendor of hills and mountain summits

We let you go

Into love and happiness on the other side

We let you go

Into a new relationship with each of us

We let you go